"Doing The Right Thing" vs Being Authentically Loving

EPISODE 91 | "DOING THE RIGHT THING" VS BEING AUTHENTICALLY LOVING 

[00:00:00] What's the framework that we operate under in trying to go towards that ideal? And a lot of us labour under the framework of just do the right thing. So, we see ourselves and other people almost like a means to the right thing being done. It's a subconscious thing. We don't realize this. But you know you're under this paradigm if you feel a lot of pressure to do the right thing. 

[00:00:25] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:01] Good morning, all. Today is day 16 of my 30-day IG Live challenge. And in today's Live, I want to talk about or really share about something that is really, really important. As in it makes a huge difference for interior pilgrims who are trying to grow in integration and authenticity. Okay, this is something that most of us don't know, or we don't really realize; that there is this distinction between being ethical or the emphasis being like, do the right thing, versus, on the other hand, being authentically loving, okay?

[00:01:43] So, doing the right thing versus being authentically loving. Now, I'm going to take a little bit of time to tease these two apart because if you're like me, it's like one thing you might be thinking, what's the difference? Being authentically loving should lead to doing the right thing. Or doing the right thing should be the same thing as being authentically loving.

[00:02:05] WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
I mean, in one sense, you'd think, yeah, shouldn't it be a conceptually, right? Intellectually, we usually would think that they should lead to the same thing, but in practice, ooh. So, this is the big difference. Okay, in practice, the way we experience our lives, the way we try and live out our values, these two can actually be very different things. And this is where I think a lot of people get stuck.

[00:02:34] A lot of people suffer and feel very trapped and they don't realize why when they're trying so hard to do what is good, to do what is right. Okay, so, let me try and distinguish between the two. What I mean first, okay - so, when the emphasis is do the right thing, usually the focus, the attention is on the outcome, okay? It's on the act. The weightage is on whatever the process is, it's not as important as doing the act that is considered the right thing. So, for example, let's say as an Asian, a lot of us, the value of let's say, filial piety, is very important, right?

[00:03:19] Respecting and honouring our elders. But that's just a concept. Usually for us it's not just a concept, it is associated with very real acts that we may consider to be right or wrong. Okay, so, for example, at one point, I think by at this point, it's not really a very big deal anymore. So, I think talking about it, it's not going to be too triggery.

[00:03:44] Maybe let's say in the previous generation or maybe some of us may experience that in an Asian families, usually filial piety includes often looking after our elders, our parents, which often included, for the previous generation at least, living together under the same roof as a parent or as the parents, right?

[00:04:04] So, even after marriage, usually, maybe the son or the eldest child or maybe the person who's not married, a child who's not married, for example, is expected to live with the parents. So, even let's say after marriage, right? So, to even have a desire or an expression express a desire that let's say, after marriage, we'd like to have our own nuclear household to live apart from our parents may be seen by some as not the right thing, okay, through the lens of let's say filial piety. That's just an example.

[00:04:39] Not everybody will agree with that being the right or the wrong thing. Because if you can also argue of course that the principle of filial piety is loving and honouring your parents. It doesn't have go down to the exact concrete act that can be negotiated that can be contextual, depending on the capacity and the people involved and depending on even the wishes of the parents, of the elderly.

[00:05:04] But that's the point. When we take the first lens of doing the right thing, when we're in that mode, usually we don't really take into consideration context and different situations because the burden is on making sure that we act rightly, okay? So, do the right thing focuses on the act, on the outcome, on the right thing that's being done.

[00:05:27] However, right is being assessed. So, depending on specific persons, families, communities, we all have different ideas of what is so called right; what the right thing is. And the values in this case are based on very measurable, observable, external behaviour or an outcome. So, you think about it, when the perspective, the focus is on doing the right thing, it's very easy to pass judgment on ourselves or on someone else, right?

[00:05:55] Because if I don't see what I think is the right thing, then I can judge a person as he or she is not doing the right thing. In this framework, what is actually going on in the person, the decision-making process in the person, the deliberation, discernment that the person goes through, is completely not in the equation, right?

[00:06:12] The actual capacity of said person, of the person who is making the decision to act, what he or she is going through, the amount of burden that he or she may be carrying, the fact that maybe he or she could be bearing a lot of trauma and so, the actual capacity to do something may be diminished. All that doesn't matter if our paradigm is just do the right thing.

[00:06:35] Because really, it's almost like, it's the act. The objective act that only matters and the subjective person who is doing the act. It's almost like an afterthought, right? I mean, I'm putting it very explicitly. We don't usually think of it this way, of course. Explicitly, even if this is our normal operating paradigm, we don't like to think of ourselves as like the person being less important.

[00:06:59] But think of it, many of us operate under this kind of paradigm when values are important, right? And for those of us who are on the interior journey, I would say we're only on the interior journey because we are people for whom values are important. We believe that there are certain aspirations that we are trying to live up towards, including being loving, being life giving, reflecting certain values that we uphold, being Christ like - if you're also a Christian.

[00:07:28] So, there are values that are important to us. It's not, I mean, those of us on the interior journey are only doing so because we do believe there is so called an objectively, a moral standard that we are meant to grow towards. Okay, so, that's not an argument. The fact that we believe that we're moving towards an ideal or growing, becoming even more loving, even in that paradigm, that's not an argument here, okay. So, that's not something that is in disagreement here.

[00:07:57] THE FRAMEWORK WE OPERATE UNDER
The question is, what's the framework that we operate under in trying to go towards that ideal? And a lot of us labour under the framework of just do the right thing. So, we see ourselves and other people almost like a means to the right thing being done. It's a subconscious thing. We don't realize this.

[00:08:18] But you know you're under this paradigm if you feel a lot of pressure to do the right thing. When let's say, an opportunity comes up for you to make a decision, immediately you feel the stress because you you're stressed about making the right decision, that equates to doing the right thing. You instinctively skip over, like immediately you skip over how you're actually feeling or considering what are the real capacities that you bring to the situation?

[00:08:44] It's like all those things are secondary. You may even be very impatient at having to consider your own real needs because the emphasis is on doing the right thing. You will also know that you are operating under this paradigm if you tend to be very judgmental of others. Because you find that immediately, you evaluate whether someone is doing the right thing or not and you pass judgment on that person.

[00:09:07] Doing the right thing gives us - there's this tendency to see things as black and white and rather rigid as just simply right or wrong. There's no sense of a process, there's no sense of a journey, right? When our focus is on just do the right thing, it's just one or zero. It's either the right thing or it's not the right thing, right?

[00:09:27] If it's not the right thing, it's the wrong thing. And so, things are just seen as either good or bad. Now, on the other hand, being authentically loving, okay - so, of course here, the value that both are kind of talking about is let's say being loving, where doing the right thing could also mean being loving.

[00:09:44] LOVING FREELY
But being authentically loving is a different paradigm. Because what is inside the person matters. What is going on inside of you as you're trying to arrive at a decision, that process matters, okay? There's an acknowledgement when we are under this paradigm of being authentically loving, that it's not just the act or the outcome of the act in the real world that matters, but that love is not just an act of the will, but a free act of the will.

[00:10:16] So, the degree of freedom in which I come into making a decision, the degree of freedom that I bring, that matters. Under the do the right thing paradigm, freedom doesn't matter because it's about the right thing being done. Being authentically loving, freedom matters because we are acknowledging that when there is freedom, when something is freely chosen, only then can there be love.

[00:10:42] When there is no freedom, even if I choose the right thing, but I chose it without freedom, it's not really love, even if I'm doing the right thing. Because love is a free act of the will and love encompasses the entire person because love is not just a concept. It's not just a clinical, very cold or sterile philosophical understanding of what it means to be loving.

[00:11:07] Actual loving is being in relationship and being in relationship encompasses my entire being, okay. It doesn't just take my mind and my intellect and my will. It includes my body. It includes my nervous system. It includes my emotions - all of this to really be in relationship with someone. To really love Includes making an offering of all of me and the fact that it has to be offered freely matters.

[00:11:38] Okay, so, compare that to doing the right thing. I can do the right thing without engaging my emotions. I can shut off my emotions and do the right thing. I can be disconnected from my body and so called do the right thing, right? Because maybe my intellect apprehends that, okay, this is the right thing to do.

[00:12:01] And I will just do the right thing because it's expected of me because I think that is what it means to be a good person or to be a loving person. But I'm not fully present in this act, right? Because my emotions are offline, my body is offline. Because maybe I don't feel safe to actually even know what my actual capacity is, how I actually feel - I just do the right thing.

[00:12:27] So, being authentically loving requires that all parts of me are included in the process. Being authentically loving acknowledges that it is a process. It's not about the absolute perfection of the act. It is about how much of me is freely offered in the act. Okay, so, again, give you that comparison under the paradigm of do the right thing.

[00:12:55] LOOKING AT FREEDOM IN THE ACT VS THE ACT ITSELF
Usually, we evaluate a person, or including ourselves, based on, "am I able to do the act or not?" Whatever acted is that I think is the right thing. It's a one or zero thing. If you do it, you did the right thing. If you failed to do it, you didn't do the right thing. Okay, authentically loving looks not just at the act, but what's going on inside of me as I try to love in this situation. I am not so bound to a very specific act that has to be there. In this second paradigm, it is the process, the degree of freedom, the degree in which I can bring more of myself into the act that matters more than if I am able to ultimately accomplish a specific act or not.

[00:13:45] All right, so, there's an acknowledgement that the body, mind, heart and spirit is a dynamic - there are dynamics between all these parts. I am an organism, it's organic and it is a process and it is a journey. So, being authentically loving from day to day or from month to month or from season to season, of integration and healing can look very different from the outside, okay. So, what is observable and what, in a sense, somebody else can see, the actual act that is able to be accomplished under being authentically loving can look very different.

[00:14:19] But, at each point, it is, in a sense, the best, most real, most free, the freest that the person is able to offer. So, when we do the right thing under the paradigm, years and decades can go by. And you can do the right thing a lot or not, but the person, you may not actually be growing in actual capacity to love, but you're able to do the right thing.

[00:14:52] In a sense, actually, you can be an automaton. You could be a robot and do the right thing. In fact, I might say that even, I think, a robot may be able to do that better than a human person, right? Because you can just have a program, you can write a program, if you know exactly what the right thing is, in different specific kind of situations, you just encounter the situation and the robot will know what the right thing is.

[00:15:12] A lot of us have unconsciously, without realizing, tried to treat ourselves like a robot. Because we are so focused on just making some kind of calculation as to what the right thing is and that I should aim to do that. Alright, so, years can go by, I can do the right thing, but I'm not more connected to anybody.

[00:15:34] I'm not more free in my capacity to love anyone. I just know how to do the right thing. The being authentically loving, on the other hand, can look like a very messy process because, like I said, it's what's inside that matters. Not that the outcome doesn't matter at all, but what is inside the process matters as much and there's a trust that if we are true to the process, if we are growing in freedom and authenticity, the outcome also will become more and more loving. So, the outcome will actually grow in its fruitfulness, but there's also a certain flexibility and adaptability that being loving doesn't have to look just one specific way. There are many ways of being loving and people who are usually more free in relationship with one another, find that they are able to receive love in multiple ways and also that they are more creative in expressing love in multiple ways, right?

[00:16:30] There's more fluidity in the give and take in any dynamic, where people are more authentic and more loving. Whereas when we are still in the very do the right thing kind of framework, sometimes, that can be very stringent conditions under which something that is done is counted as loving or not, right?

[00:16:49] SHIFTING THE PARADIGM
Okay, so, now up to this point. It's kind of abstract, but I wanted to lay out the intellectual paradigm for you first, before I now bring in the lived sharing, okay? The lived experience. Because the real difference is in the experience of the interior pilgrim, anyone who desires to grow in wholeness and authenticity - because we want to be able to love better, to receive love better from God, to love ourselves better and to love our neighbour better, right?

[00:17:22] That's where we come from. We need to grow in freedom to be able to do that. If we are constantly stuck in the do the right thing framework, we're not going to be able to grow in authenticity. Okay, this has to do also with trauma, with our wounds. Because oftentimes, those of us who operate under the do the right thing paradigm, there's some trauma behind that, okay?

[00:17:44] In the way that we experience shame and fear at the thought of not being able to do the right thing. Okay, so, I'm going to just raise my hand there and say that is 100% me. Okay, and till today, even with the integration and healing that I have already gone through, oh, there are times when immediately I feel frozen, like I know what's expected of me.

[00:18:06] There's a very clear sense of what the right thing looks like because it has been drummed into me since I was a child. What right thing I need to do. And every part of me is frozen. Except, it's like I go into robot mode, okay? I go into robot mode as to, I just need to accomplish that. I just need to do this thing.

[00:18:25] And when I'm in robot mode, my feelings don't matter, my capacity doesn't matter. In fact, the other people in my life, also cease to matter. That's a scary thing. When we are very fixated on doing the right thing, even the other people in our lives become potentially just obstacles to me being able to do the right thing or assets that I can use to help me to do the right thing.

[00:18:58] FAMILIAL SCRIPTS
To give you a lived example right now, yeah, I'm being very honest and very real even as I always strive to be I want to be. I want to be respectful and honouring as well. So, but I've already been sharing the last few Lives that - so, my one of my parents, my mom, actually now has a medical situation that we're kind of going through. And so, there are hospital visits, doctors’ visits. And my family, my extended family culture, there are very clear expectations, okay, in this kind of scenario, of what a good child should do, what a filial child should do.

[00:19:34] There are differing expectations on my two extended family, right? There's a paternal side, there's a maternal side. So, there are different scripts at play there. And that's also one of the issues. Because sometimes, the scripts come into conflict, right? The different sides of scripts come into conflict.

[00:19:49] But when the scripts kind of like kick in, and I feel myself going into robot mode, okay? So, in this case, let's say my mom's the one in need, and suddenly, all I can see is, or what I can think about is what should I do as a good daughter? In this scenario, even my husband becomes just a means to an end.

[00:20:12] Okay, I'm saying when I go into that mode of doing the right thing, my vision gets narrowed because it's actually a trauma response, okay. There's a compulsion that I have to do this. I should be able to do this. Oh, I need to do this. And anyone else in my periphery, in this case, as my husband, you're either with me or you're against me.

[00:20:31] Okay, you're either with me in doing the right thing, or you're against me and you're an obstacle. And you see how problematic that becomes. Because suddenly, everything just becomes focused on one point. And my husband doesn't matter. Actually, even myself, okay? Even the, let's say, the energy level that I have or what else I'm carrying or my own - my own work commitment.

[00:20:56] Suddenly, in my script, this is one of my familial scripts, okay? To be a loving family member when somebody is so called in crisis or needs you, the only way that shows that you're loving is that you're willing to drop everything else, all your other responsibilities, to serve that one person in need.

[00:21:16] That's my script. That's my family script. Okay, now I no longer agree with that script. I do not believe that it's actually being authentically loving. I think that actually is very dishonouring of everyone in the dynamics. But when there's a script, when there's a programming that's really been ingrained into us, we don't really have a choice.

[00:21:39] That's the point, right? We come, all of us, with our scripts that make us unfree. And the integration journey, the healing journey gradually makes us more free. So, what happens, what has been happening for me in the last many years is that I begin to notice when the robot mode is being triggered.

[00:22:00] Okay, and it's not just with family. All kinds of situations can trigger me into robot mode when before me, I'm very clear as, oh, this is what the right thing is or this is what constitutes the right thing. And that's also part of my script. And I will feel the stress build inside me because of course, there are different parts of me.

[00:22:17] There's a part of me that actually says like, no I don't want to do that. And immediately that part gets squashed by the inner critic, okay - the super ego that has been very developed in my childhood, and not the most patient, tender, or understanding inner critic. And inner critics usually aren't right?

[00:22:38] So, any part that tries to protest or to say but we also have this or there are also these needs, right, is threatened to be squashed by this overriding inner critic that goes like no, in this case, there's only one very clear right thing and we must do the right thing. Now, of course, when there are multiple responsibilities, you can imagine how quickly this drains me.

[00:23:00] And I'm sure some of you have that experience. So, I don't just have my role as a daughter to play, I also have my own professional role. I have responsibilities to my clients, I have commitments that I've made for example. Even this this 30 day, going Live on IG, which is a commitment, not just to my audience, but actually it's a commitment that I made to myself, okay. So, there are multiple commitments and it's going to be very hard for me to try and say what does doing the right thing mean for every one of these roles that I'm playing?

[00:23:29] And what if they conflict? Because often they do, right? And in the midst of that, if I'm just in the do the right thing mode, my body kind of like really, literally goes offline. I actually go numb. In fact, yesterday evening, yesterday night, I had a bit of time alone because my husband had an engagement.

[00:23:49] And I suddenly realized that apart from knowing that I'm dysregulated emotionally because of the stresses that are actually happening, the dynamics that are going on in real time, let's say in my family, in the current situation, I'm actually quite numb. I'm not really feeling my emotions.

[00:24:05] I'm not really feeling any of my possible, let's say, anxieties or worries or fears for my mom, you know? Because currently, we really have to wait maybe a week to know whether it's a best-case scenario situation, it's going to be a worst-case scenario situation, and they're both very, very different, right?

[00:24:22] And these are hard things. These are hard things for human beings to experience, but they need to be experienced, right? To be present, to be able to hold one another. But unfortunately, in a sense, my family, maybe a typical Asian family, and having a lot of intergenerational kind of practice of just not being attuned to emotions.

[00:24:46] Okay, so, not being attuned to our own emotions, and therefore not being attuned to one another's emotions. So, the coping is very much about doing. But the undercurrent - there's so much tension in the undercurrent. Because when nobody is acknowledging our own anxiety or fears, we project issues outwards, right?

[00:25:09] Complaining about one another or what one another is not doing. We start picking on the hospital or the doctors or whatever kind of a thing. There's all this outward projection and no one actually can just be present, that actually we are all just anxious. And it's okay to be anxious, to go through the process of saying, I need maybe, even right now, some time to be with myself because I'm feeling a lot of things.

[00:25:32] That's not okay to say because we're just not at that point where we can express these things honestly, right? So, because even emotions are not really allowed to be felt. Layer on the Christian and Catholic spiritual dimension then. If you go - you know, there's this thing about how, oh we're putting everything into God's hands.

[00:25:50] So, everything's going to be okay. And that kind of like shuts off any further conversation, which means that there's no opportunity for anyone to actually express that maybe, I am anxious because it's not okay to be anxious when someone has put it out there, that everything is in God's hands. Therefore, we don't worry. Expressing that you have concerns or anxiety then seems to say that, oh, you're not trusting God. So, that's a very good example of spiritual bypass, okay? Spiritually bypassing our human emotions doesn't allow us to be present to ourselves, right. Okay, so, I'm kind of like going one circle there, but what I want to kind of paint is.

[00:26:30] In the past, I would just also be hijacked into this script, just like with everyone else in the family. The default is you just do the right thing and you're not honest with yourself. So, what I did differently this time, what I've been doing differently? Okay, in the last few years is to give myself the option to tune into what's my capacity. How am I actually feeling? Do I actually want to do this? So, a very real example, for example, today, this morning, my mom had to be warded at the hospital, and my dad is the one who lives with her, and he actually said he'll drive her, right.

[00:27:10] Now, I know, of course, that my mother would wish that I could also be there - although technically, I'm not needed, right - for moral support and all that, I know. But I also know from lived experience that given this kind of situation, and if I was there, and especially if I was alone with my mother, there will be a lot of emotional dumping on me.

[00:27:36] It's just the way that it has been since I was a teenager. Okay, and that's one of the things that have caused me a lot of harm, a lot of trauma growing up. I'm saying this without any judgment of morality, okay? I mean, we're all just - I'm talking about the process that everybody is in. So, again, this is the paradigm of being authentically loving, rather than do the right thing.

[00:27:59] If I was putting on the hat of do the right thing, I can judge everyone in the picture. I can judge myself, I can judge my mom, everything. I can say a lot of things are not right, okay? But when we recognize, just look, I'm trying to look at the real, lovingly, contemplatively. This is just what is happening.

[00:28:16] Okay, I know that if I go, and especially if I'm alone, I will get emotionally dumped on. Because it's just what's going to happen. She can't help it. She doesn't realize it. It's her coping mechanism. And she'll start lecturing me. Okay, it's also kind of like what she does and I want to say again, we all have our things that we need to do. Sometimes, we just got to do what we need to do. But the question is now, for myself, can I not just force myself to have to do the right thing and disregard the harm that I know might happen to me? Can I give myself the freedom, the option to choose for me?

[00:29:03] The old script that I have that is just do the right thing. Honestly, there is no such option. Because the only option is so called the loving option and the only loving option means to lay my life down to put somebody else's interests and needs above my own, which basically means that my needs have no place that I am just a means to an end, right.

[00:29:27] That was the old script. That's the old script that the interior integration journey is changing. Because God has been telling me, no, I am just as important as anybody else and that my freedom and my well-being matters as well. And to put myself into a situation where I know I will be harmed, I should have a choice in that.

[00:29:46] Am I freely choosing to risk putting myself in the way of harm? Even if the other person doesn't realize that he or she is harming me, okay? This is difficult because I have to die to that need to be the person who always is able to do the right thing. I need to die to knowing, in a sense, that if I choose something that is different from what the other party believes is the right thing, I will be judged and then I will have to hear about it, right?

[00:30:21] BEING AUTHENTICALLY LOVING
But being authentically loving is a process, it's a journey. Here's the thing. Things don't just stop at a decision at one moment in time when we are very rigid, when we are very caught up with just choosing the right thing or not. We think everything falls onto that moment.

[00:30:41] But when we recognize that we are in process, we're in journey, things can change. So, for example, if I ask myself, are you ready to do this? Are you ready to go into this, into potentially this place? You're going to go into fight or flight mode, you know? Things will happen.

[00:30:58] And maybe the truth, the honest truth is, at that moment, I'm feeling, no, I'm not ready. I don't think I can do this. Okay, what can I do? I can ask for help, all right? But at the same time, as I ask for help, I must honour the other person's freedom, right? So, for example, can ask my husband, can you go with me so that at least I won't be alone?

[00:31:16] But am I prepared to give him the freedom to say yes or no? Fortunately, in my situation, I mean, he did say yes. If I wanted to go on my own. But he also told me it's my choice, right? Because we know that at this point, it's not absolutely necessary. So, last night when I went to sleep, I didn't make myself have to decide whether or not I'm committed to also being part of the sending party for my mom.

[00:31:43] Because I know that at the very least, dad is going to be able to do it. But this morning when I woke up, I was woken up by the rain and it was very stormy this morning and I thought of the rain and I thought of the drive and I thought of both my parents having to - I mean, they can do it, but I felt - so, there's this part of me that now, is alive enough, has room enough to surface, which is the part that says, I want to be there for them.

[00:32:10] And this is a real part of me too, right? That because last night I had not shut every part of myself out and gone into robot mode. This morning I could experience this part of me that says, I want to be there for them. No one's telling me, it's not because I need to or because I should. I would like to be there for them, to support them, both of them, you know?

[00:32:29] And so, I told my, my husband, I mean kind of groggy. I said, I know it's very last minute, but my decision now, in this morning, is that I would like to be able to go. So, I knew my mom would already be up in this kind of situation, she wouldn't be able to sleep much anyway, you know? So, I gave her a call, and I told her that we would come, and meet them at their place, and she can ride with us, so that she can have the company, and that we will send her.

[00:32:52] So, of course, I mean, yes, she was happy to hear that. My dad also was happy to hear that, but here's where the difference is made, okay? Because this is very real. This is not a happily ever after kind of story. So, that part of me that wanted to support my parents was very awake this morning and I even thought of putting a care package together for my mom for her hospital stay, okay. Like a little pouch with some health bars that she likes, a mini hand sanitizer, lotion and all that kind of little thing. It's just my - you can say it was my inner child's way of putting something together to show mommy I love you. I want you to be okay, right? That's a part of me that's there with you. So, this part was very alive, right? I want to show that I care. I want to show my support.

[00:33:36] And then though, when on the way in the car ride - so, we went in separate cars, right? My mom was with me, my father on his own car - what I had anticipated indeed did happen. My mom's coping mechanism came up and she started, I mean, in a way, kind of like lecturing. Okay, not in a very stern way, it's just her way. But it's a very - basically, I felt kind of like picked apart for all the things that I wasn't doing right. And other things that other people were not doing right.

[00:34:09] And she even brought up some of my current work, which, oh, that really cut deep, okay? Because it's something that is precious to me. And there was a part of me that was wondering why are we talking about this? What's going on? You know? Of course there's another part of me that knows, okay, this is how she's working out her anxiety. We already know this is what she needs to do.

[00:34:33] But that the other parts of me, especially the part that had been so eager this morning to show up and to show support and to put like the little care package together - that was a part of me that felt betrayed.

[00:34:46] Because it's like I showed up. I'm doing all this and then now I feel like I'm being punished. I mean, it's not what she meant. She doesn't realize that it's not what she means to do, but I kind of feel like I was being punished. But here's the difference that being, trying to be authentically loving makes versus doing the right thing.

[00:35:06] Because I had been able to be present to myself throughout this process and I had given myself that choice. And because today I had freely, truly freely chosen to do this, not because it is the right thing to do, but because I chose to do it, there was capacity in me to hold all this, even the triggering things, even the activating things, even the parts of me that were feeling betrayed and upset.

[00:35:35] There was room inside me for all these parts as well as for my mother. Alright, so there was room for them, for my parts. There was room for my mother. There was room to say, this is just the reality. This is as loving as we all can be right now. I'm doing my best. My husband's doing his best. This is my mom's best. It's not ideal, but we are here and we just continue to do the best that we can do, right.

[00:36:06] And after that, so, this is where boundaries - so, boundaries are such a big part of the interior journey that I'd also learned to do. I chose, I consciously decided how long I will stay till mom gets into a room and everything.

[00:36:19] And the nurse had taken all her vitals and everything, but I also chose when I will take my leave. So that I know where my limits are at this point, in order for me to still be within my zone of regulation. Okay, and I chose to exercise that choice. And actually, I'm glad I did because right up to the moment that I was leaving, my mom was still trying to say all the things that she needs to say. And I know she needs to do it, but that part of me growing up that had always felt that I had no choice but to just take whatever comes. Now, this part knows that, no, I have a choice.

[00:37:00] I don't just have to sit there and just take it even when I can't take it anymore. I don't just have the option of just numbing out and dissociating, really just disconnecting, just not being present in my body, which actually happens. In fact, this morning in the car, I noticed something which I hadn't done in a long time.

[00:37:18] It actually brought back a memory that in my childhood growing up, because we're privileged, we have a car. A lot of times, car rides are not pleasant experiences. There could be a lot of conflict or tension happening during car rides. And when that happens, I instinctively look out the window and I watch the leaves.

[00:37:37] You know, when you're a kid, especially you're short, right? You look up and I will watch as we drive past the leaves of trees, whatever, and lampposts. And that's my way of just - so, whatever is happening, whatever conversation is going on in the car, whether it's directed at me directly or not I'm not there, I can respond. But I'm not there.

[00:37:58] That's the only way I can cope, right? As a child. And I realized this morning that instinctively, when the conversation took a turn towards like, basically me feeling targeted, immediately, I turned and I looked out the window. And I hadn't done that in so long.

[00:38:15] And I suddenly remembered, oh, that's what I did as a kid. And I recognized, okay, I'm dissociating. But it's alright. If I need that room, I need that room. I need that space. But just in general, now I have space. And I don't feel completely out of control. So, something like this in the past, I would have really just gone into robot mode.

[00:38:37] And if I had done this simply because it was the right thing to do, my sense of betrayal and anger and grief - when I felt like I was being punished for doing the right thing - it would have been so much more. And I would have been so much more upset because you see, I had kind of forced myself to do the right thing in spite of how I felt and I would feel it was thrown back in my face.

[00:38:57] And this dynamics is not unique to just what happened with me today. It's my whole life. I used to just do the right thing for people and I would be so upset when it was not appreciated. I would feel so betrayed when people act out of their compulsions, and I felt that I wasn't seen or appreciated.

[00:39:14] So, there's always more and more anger and grief in me and no space; no space to forgive, no space to love. But when I learned this other path, of what it means to be authentically loving. And I give myself space to be honest, to even choose what I think is maybe the selfish thing, to give myself the options like, yes, it's okay if you're not ready to do this, you don't have to do it, even if that means that you're a bad Catholic, bad daughter, bad person, unloving, selfish - even if people are going to say that about you, this is the truth of your capacity. This is the limit to which you are able to freely choose to be loving.

[00:39:52] And you see, it's in a very paradoxical way. This is actually humility, isn't it? In the past, I wouldn't be able to accept this limit, but to be able to say, yes, this is as much as I can give right now. It may not be enough for you, but I'm sorry. But this is how much I can give right now to be able to take that and receive whatever criticisms and judgment may come actually spiritually.

[00:40:18] It's actually very grounding. It's really freeing and humbling and grounding. And by doing that, I actually give myself real capacity to expand and grow in that limit. That limit increases over time because I have stopped trying to force myself to do the right thing.

[00:40:38] Coming back to how I started, if what we desire is to be able to love, to be able to be alive, to be fully alive, to serve, not from a place of unfreedom and slavery, but to serve because we love, to see spiritual fruits come from our life, and our service, and the way we love, then we cannot be stuck in just the paradigm of doing the right thing. There's no space for growth. There's no space for healing and for integration there. We must move into the paradigm where it's about being authentically loving, which means that what's going on inside of us matters.

[00:41:20] HOW DO I HONOUR THIS "PARADOX" IN ME?
And we allow ourselves that process and that journey. And when we learn to do this for ourselves, we naturally somehow grow in our ability to honour that in another person as well. And so, at the same time, we can hold like contradictory things, we can hold that I'm being hurt, I feel hurt, and I need distance and space, but at the same time, we can also honour the part that says, oh, I also want to be able to be present even to the person who is hurting me.

[00:41:47] And how can I negotiate this space so that I can honour both that I am important and worthy of protection? And at the same time, I want to be brave and I want to risk. And I'm okay with being hurt to a certain extent. And I will know how to remove myself from harm when I reach that limit. The reality is the world is full of pain and suffering because the world is full of hurting people.

[00:42:17] And we do not live in a laboratory and in an ideal situation where being loving doesn't bring repercussions of being misunderstood or being hurt or being criticized. What I have found is that the only way to do this interior journey, in the context of whether it's our own close relationships, or even in our communities and in our faith communities and in the church, is to not shy away from calling a spade a spade, from being able to see where there is harm, where there is imperfection, but also where there is love.

[00:42:51] I think real love is not afraid of seeing the truth. Because real love knows that, well, God, who is love, is the one who has all that space to hold us and hold our messiness. So, the process can be messy, but becoming authentically loving is a messy journey. And we need to be okay that in the moment. We can look sometimes like we're not doing the right thing. But if we make the journey, I think what we arrive at is love. 

[00:43:24] QUESTION #1
So, okay. So, that's my sharing and I see that a couple of comments or love questions. So, let me look at that. Ooh. Okay. So, one question is, would loving authentically, overdoing the right thing, make us selfish, meaning, that me comes first.

[00:43:38] So, I think I kind of anticipated that question. I already shared sometimes, in the moment, yes, it might mean, or look like we're being selfish and that I come first, but if that is the truth at this point in time, and especially when we come from a history where we've always been suppressing our needs for others, so, we've always gone into robot mode. Like I said, where I just cut off myself from my own needs and emotions, when we are healing from that, we really do need often to, in a sense, go the other way and experience more of what it's like to put ourselves first. Because we mattered.

[00:44:14] And for so long, we had suppressed that and neglected ourselves. So, I would say yes, sometimes that's part of the process. Which is why I say the process of becoming more authentically loving can sometimes look very messy and even look wrong, like we're doing the wrong thing. But if you don't allow yourself to take that step to do what looks like what is maybe even the selfish thing, you will never reach that greater capacity to be able to be more loving for others and to be able to sacrifice yourself freely.

[00:44:41] That means you actually can come from a place of I'm not doing this because I have to. Because by not by not doing this, means I'm selfish. When you know that I actually can, if I choose myself, if I need to, but I freely choose to, in this case, sacrifice myself for another person, that is authentically loving, right?

[00:45:00] But if we don't give ourselves what we need at an earlier stage in healing, which is sometimes choosing ourselves first, we won't reach that stage of being free to choose someone else and to sacrifice ourselves genuinely with freedom.

[00:45:15] QUESTION #2
Okay, okay, so another question or comment. This is so difficult. How to be more and more okay with the label of being a bad Catholic or bad daughter or bad wife, etc.? What are some ways to practice acceptance of this judgment from others and even from your own inner critic?

[00:45:31] Oh, that's such a good question. How to be more okay with the label of being a bad Catholic daughter or wife? And what are some ways of practicing acceptance of this judgment from others and even from your own inner critic?

[00:45:47] The only way for us to be more okay with that label of being a bad Catholic, bad daughter, bad wife, is when we know that we don't judge ourselves, okay? So, two sources needs to be firm in order for us to be okay with this kind of criticism. One, that assurance that God does not judge us that way. Okay, first of all, that assurance that God does not judge us as a bad daughter, bad Catholic, all that. The secure attachment with God must happen first. So, that's part of the interior integration process, right? It's a process. It's a journey. But you'll find that the more and more you experience in your body, really that God's love is unconditional and that He has all this space for you to heal and grow. He's more okay with our messes than we are. In fact, in my experience, that's how I learned to be okay with being messy because God really - He's not fast. He's so cool.

[00:46:43] Like, you know, for me, sometimes I'm like, oh my God, like He's really not petty at all. He's not like measuring every step I'm taking and saying this is the right thing and this is the wrong thing and no, bad job and like good job. And oh my God, it's not him.

[00:46:53] So, as I got more liberated from that kind of image of God, I felt more room and more space that, oh, I can do what I need to do. I can fall. He still loves me. And then it's like the quicker I fall, like the more I run and the quicker I fall, the faster I grow. And it's such a wonderful experience.

[00:47:11] So, one is with God, right? That He's not the one saying I'm a bad Catholic, I'm a bad daughter. And then the second person is me. So, the inner critic, right, that often is the internalization of our earlier, maybe our experiences when we were a child, from our caregivers or significant adult figures. And we've come to internalize that voice and that becomes our inner critic.

[00:47:34] So, when the relationship with God is being repaired, He always repairs also our relationship with ourselves. And which is why, let's say, in terms of inner child work, inner child reparenting is kind of like writing over all those messages that we've heard growing up with new loving messages. From the inner parent that tells our inner child, your needs are not selfish, your needs are important too, right? You are as important as everybody else. Everyone is important.

[00:48:10] So, love should look the same way whether it's loving ourself or loving our neighbour, right? it's taking away that shame that we have grown up with. That unless I act in such a way, it's a shameful thing, you know? I bring shame, not just to myself, to my family. Like, my parents would be ashamed of how they brought me up. I think that's a very big thing in Asian cultures, right? It's like, when you shame, you bring shame to the family. The message of the gospel is so different from that.

[00:48:36] And so, our personal redemption and salvation story needs to be having that experience of that shame being lifted up from us, right. So, now, we walk not in shame, we walk in love. We walk in safety in God's unconditional love. And then we can see ourselves that way. And when we can see ourselves that way and we understand also that actually, practically everyone in the world is walking around with lenses that are tainted by their trauma, by their pain.

[00:49:07] And a lot of times, their criticisms and their judgment is their way of trying to feel safe in the world, right? So, even if it's our parents, even it's my parents who now feel that me acting in a certain way, all as my relatives and, it's happening, okay. I'll just put it out there. I'm definite.

[00:49:22] I know there are people that are probably thinking I'm not as good a daughter as I used to be. There are people who are thinking I'm not a good Catholic as I thought I used to be. You know, in fact, a big reason why I'm able to share these things now more publicly is because that interior anchor and rootedness has grown.

[00:49:39] So, that I know I'm okay, I'm more okay now because I am so much more confident that's not true. As in, okay - what is not true? That it's not true that I am not a broken but beautiful person. It's not true that I'm loved. I mean, it may be true that I'm a bad Catholic, or a bad daughter, depending on what your criteria is that you use to assess what it means to be a good daughter, right? Or to be a good Catholic woman. That doesn't define me. That's the thing that interior integration does for us, right? Like, our identity now rests in something solid, in something that's at the core, that is becoming more whole, and it's resting in God's love. And God's love is the most solid thing that your identity can rest on. It doesn't pass away.

[00:50:28] In so many other things, even in our world, we're conditioned and primed, I mean, conditioned by different contexts, different cultures, in history and time. But God's love is eternal. So, that, I would say, how can I practice acceptance of this judgment from others, and even from my own inner critic?

[00:50:44] I would say, the practice is not in accepting the judgment or the criticisms. We don't practice that. The practice is in soaking up the love. Any experiences that we can have where we hear we are the beloved, that I am loved as I am, that I am safe to make mistakes, that I am safe to grow, that my needs matter. That I trust my desire to be a loving person. That takes time to grow into.

[00:51:15] And that even as I grew into that, my wounds matter, the trauma that I've experienced matter, that my healing is a priority, and that needs to happen first. And all this is true. When I soak in these truths, then naturally I become more stable and I'd say, more resilient when the judgments and the criticisms comes.

[00:51:36] They still can sting. But I think as we grow in inner core strength, you notice that these things kind of like affect you, but it doesn't shake your inner core as much as it used to when you didn't have that integration in the core. I hope that answers your question and I hope that helps.

[00:51:56] Okay, I really love the questions though. This means that you guys are really - you're really trying to walk the walk as well, you know? You're trying to grow in integration. And that's why these are the difficult and honest questions that you ask. So, I thank you so much for asking those questions. Okay, so, I hope that this has given you a different a new kind of like perspective into seeing growth and to know where to look, to know where to trust.

[00:52:22] Oh, okay. I think there's another comment or question. Oh, it totally helps. Oh, I'm so glad that it helps! You're very welcome, okay.

[00:52:30] I think that's for today's Live. And this journey is just really so deep guys. I mean, there's so many dimensions and so many of these things that I’m sharing with you now.

[00:52:42] I'm so glad I can articulate it for you because I know that it's not exactly something that's handed to us, right? And we learn it by walking it, alright? So, all the best. I'm so privileged, I feel so privileged to be able to journey with you. Oh my gosh, I saw a comment there - asked, are you talking about my family? Laugh out loud, oh my gosh, yeah.

[00:53:09] I think a lot of our families are very similar, right? Have similar dynamics. And for the longest time, I know there's this tension, even for me, I struggle sometimes. How much of this should I actually share, whether it's in my writing, my content, or in my videos, because is this disrespectful, does this not honour my family, my parents?

[00:53:28] And I know that they might, I mean, like, people may disagree on that, but the way I see it, generation has handed on to the next generation the same trauma and I've seen generation after generation inherit the same kinds of coping mechanisms, the patterns of dysfunction. And our attempting, like I think people just remaining silent in order to not so-called disrespect or dishonour the family has not helped to heal the family, we've not helped one another to break that cycle. And the message of the gospel has always been, it's not about just keeping silent.

[00:54:05] I think deep, true reverence and respect is letting the light in and letting Christ in. And it's a tricky thing. It's a tricky thing. So, I'm also only sharing things insofar as you can see, I'm regulated. I may get sometimes emotional when certain parts kind of like bubble up, but I am regulated. I know I'm loving.

[00:54:24] And I just want to say I know. I think the more I go on this journey, the more I'm actually able to love my family as well. And the fact that I am not immune. Okay, I still get affected. But I'm more immune to what they may feel; disappointed or not in me. That actually means I'm freer. I'm freer to love. I'm freer to bounce back when I'm hurt.

[00:54:45] And I'm freer to also be able to recognize when they are operating out of their fears and anxieties, even if they can't see it, right. And that makes me actually feel more tender towards them. So, I really know from experience, this interior journey is the way to go, instead of just trying to force ourselves to go into robot mode and do the right thing.

[00:55:05] Okay, so thank you for joining me live today and for asking your questions. I'll see you guys tomorrow. I don't know yet what tomorrow's topic will be. This has been very much a one day to the next, a very organic kind of a sense.

[00:55:20] I just - I don't know whether you can hear my stomach growl. My stomach just growled because I'm hungry. That's my body sign to tell me to end the Live and go and get something to eat. Thank you all, thank you so much. See you tomorrow!

[00:55:35] CONCLUSION

Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!