When I stopped believing that the Church is always holy

It was a big deal when I could finally admit to myself and to God that I no longer believed that the Catholic Church is holy and good in the way that I used to. Using theological language to parse why the Church is "the perfect society" or "always holy" in the old way I understood it is for me now intellectually, morally, and spiritually dishonest, and that is something I have had to deal with.